Mum used to taste like mango, succulent and fleshy. That's how my dad fell in love with her. It's gross to think about it like that but you can't ignore the truth. And the truth is, mum was beautiful and tropical.

Dad used to say too bad fruit don't have a use by date stuck on 'em cause they sure as hell go off. Strange thing is, mum hasn't gone off, she just mutated into a lemon – don't ask me how. Touch her and she'll spit acid in your face dad says. I wish I knew her when she was still tropical.

Back in her mango days, she gave birth to a fruit salad. And when we lost our freshness, she said if I had known there was a use by date on fruit salad, I would not have given birth to you stinking pieces of useless shit. We must have inherited her genes cause that would explain how fruit can mutate into shit, just like when a mango becomes a lemon.

Originally, my brother was born a banana, his skin yellow and thick. He's a good kid cause even when he goes bruised and brown on the outside, he'd still edible on the inside. My sister is an orange, full of vitamin C and orange sweetness but I'd be careful not to pierce her skin if I were you. She can be just as bitter as my mum. And me? I'm the plastic wrapping on the bowl.